Linked up with Bits of Bee, for Quotable Bits!

I don’t know if it’s because it’s been a year on Saturday, or if it’s because we should have a three month old in this house, or if it’s because my mind is quiet and the sadness of our miscarriage is seeping back in.

Most days I go about my life fairly normally. I don’t burst into tears randomly much anymore, and I can even be 98% happy for my friends who have announced their pregnancies since our loss (okay,  maybe 95%). I only listen to depressing songs on repeat every couple of weeks.

But some days, like a sucker punch out of left field, I crumble. Maybe because it’s been a year and we still aren’t parents.

I despise the fact that even if we do get pregnant again, that it will never be a joyous, ignorant pregnancy. That I will hold my breath, knowing that at any moment it could all slip away. Just like it did for several women who write blogs that I read. At 20 weeks, 28 weeks, full term. It’s too fragile. And it can be fine one moment, and gone the next.

But I won’t be quiet about this. Even though society says I should be. Even though sometimes I feel like smacking myself and saying GET OVER IT, ALREADY! Which is sort of ridiculous because I would never say that to a client, or to a friend, or to any other human being. So why can’t I afford myself the same space? I’m not superhuman. And it still hurts.

One year later, it still hurts. 

Positive to negative.

Two lines, to one.

Baby, to no baby.

Hello, to goodbye.

When I was in high school, we had a teacher – Mrs. Morris. For extra credit, we could bring in photos or cut outs of advertisements or things we saw in public that purposely spelled things incorrectly. Like “Krazy Glue,” and other similar items. I’m pretty sure, in today’s world, I could have passed that class on extra credit alone.

I have actual fear that in not-that-many-years-from-now we will all speaking in this weird shorthand that we’ve created. Maybe we’ll be speaking in 140 characters at a time that will force us to drop some words entirely to the point where we have to sound out the sentence so that we may actually understand it (yes, I have to do this with lots of the text message “shorthand”).  Honestly? Most of the shorthand isn’t even that much shorter. Is it that hard to spell out Y-O-U… so hard that we have to simply put U? Really? I can’t bring myself to do it.

How did we get here? More importantly, how can we get back?

This epidemic goes far beyond my continuous grammar faux pas of starting sentences with And and But. This is serious, people. It’s a matter of saving lives!

So, today over at The Good Life, we are talking about things we’d rather be doing other than cleaning the house. Because of my new romance with Pinterest, I’m going to let it do the talking for me in this post.

1.Eating These

2.Working Out

3. Traveling. Or even just looking at pictures of when we were here:

4. Drinking Tea. Preferably from this teapot. If you could buy it for me. Thanks.

5. Figuring out my life. I really should build this into my schedule.

6. Watching Friends. (This scene is from  my all time favorite episode!)

7. Reading. And I will be re-reading the first of this series in preparation for the upcoming movie! Squee!!!!

8. Listening to music. It’s pretty much a constant around these parts (even when we *are* cleaning)

9. Sleeping. Or at the very least, laying down on the couch watching random Disney movies (not that I did that yesterday or anything). 

10. Shopping! Target! Happy Jenn!

It would be remiss of me not to mention that if you enjoy reading lists of things that I write, please visit me over at Mrs. H’s place where I am listing all the things I’ve learned about marriage (so far).

source

I have been spending a little time on Pinterest, building my boards and following people. Hoping that this will become another source of traffic to the blog (other than the weird people googling “fat boy in a bubble spacesuit” who somehow end up here, as well).

I found the above quote, and I have to say if you have not read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, you really should. It’s a really easy read and it’s an amazing book.

I love this quote because it sums life all up quite neatly. One of my blog buddies wrote about it earlier this week. Contradictions. A life full of contradictions. Being happy and sad at the same time. Wanting to go and stay. Wanting to grow and stay the same. And I’m still figuring it all out. We all are.

But today, as I sit here next to Casey who is snuggling with Skeeter as we watch Seinfeld in bed, I’m thinking it’s pretty darn good. The hard things are rattling around in my head. Embarking on the journey of selling our house, the year “anniversary” of our only pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and how in the heck the guys who just bought our hot tub are going to get it out of here later today. But I’m working hard – to push away those thoughts that want to contradict my current state of contentment.

Won’t you try too? Being content in this moment? Let’s try together.

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post below.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

As one would guess, these six words are partially inspired by the fact that Valentine’s Day was this past Tuesday.  They are also inspired by the fact that we really made Valentine’s “Day” extra long:
-Three weeks ago we gave each other early gifts (and I got one of mine, even sooner than that!)
-Two weeks ago, we celebrated with a weekend together that included a road trip to Mexico (Maine), some cookies in bed and breakfast muffins.
-Starting on Valentine’s Day, Jenn starting giving me a gift a day for seven days.  And I got her some roses the day after Valentine’s Day (we rode to work together Tuesday so I couldn’t surprise her).

source

If I look back at past years, we’ve done similar things, like stretching out the holiday to two separate weekends, and Jenn did her seven days of Valentine’s Day for me last year, too!  And then if I look back at various times over the past 4.12 years, I can see how much we appreciate each other by going out on date nights, both planned and spontaneous, by giving each other surprises, and by doing little things to help each other out.  Even though we may kick it up a notch for Valentine’s and our Anniversaries, we’re really always in a “Valentine’s Day” mindset, and I hope that it will last forever! (I think it will)

–Casey

<center><a href="http://caseyandjenn.com/"><img decoding="async" border="O" src="http://www.caseyandjenn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/kidquotebutton6.jpg" /></a></center>

It’s Friday! Not only does that mean that the weekend is nearly here, it also means it is time for some KID QUOTES! If you are new around here, please feel free to grab a button and link up with cute kid quotes/stories about your kids, kids you work with, or even the kids who won’t get off your lawn no matter how many times you yell at them. They are all welcome here, and please visit your fellow linker-uppers! (What? That’s totally a word).

Kid: Did you have a little brother?

Me: No, I had a big brother. 

Kid: Oh, so YOU were the annoying one. 

Me: What?

Kid: It’s the circle of life. Little brothers and sisters are just annoying. (10 y.o.)

*****

Kid: Mrs. G, do you know everything?

Me: Oh no. No one knows everything.

Kid: My Mom says that she does. She tells me that ALL THE TIME! (8 y.o.)

*****

Me: If you could live anywhere, where would you live?

Kid: In a house of crocodiles.

Me: Really? 

Kid: Yeah, it would really keep me on the toes! Plus NO ONE else lives in a house of crocodiles. (6 y.o.)

*****

Me: What do you think bullies become when they grow up? 

Kid: Teenagers! (6 y.o.)

*****

Kid: Well, I bumped my head yesterday, but I’m ok now.

 Me: I hope you didn’t knock out any brain cells!   

Kid: What are brain cells?  

Me: They store everything in our brain so we can remember what we learn.   

Kid: Oh, I don’t think I have any of those! (8y.o.)

*****

Kid: She asked me to be her boyfriend!

Me: Oh really? What does being her boyfriend mean?

Kid: I don’t really know, but I guess I have to give her extra chocolate or something. (7 y.o. boy)

*****

Me: Sometimes bad memories can be like a song going through your head that you can’t get rid of even though you really want to. Have you ever had that happen?

Kid: Yeah. Two words. Justin Bieber. (9 y.o.)

*****

Have a great Friday, everyone!

(Thanks to Sarah for letting me hang out with this gorgeous munchkin of hers. And thanks for Alison and Galit for hosting another round of Memories Captured!)

I have this plaque on my wall in my office that has the title of this post on it. And I couldn’t love it more. Because I believe it with my whole being.

The theme of this week’s Group Blogging Experience 2 (GBE2) is “do-over.” And many of the posts are along the same stream of thought that I have. Oh, I wouldn’t do anything over, because it has all made me who I am today. Most of the time I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Except.

There are totally things I would do over. Things I would change about my wedding, about all the macaroni and cheese I stuffed into my body, and the number of times I opted not to go for a walk around the block with  my Mom when it was really some of my favorite times, but I was just lazy.

But this biggest thing that I regret, is not capturing the stories from my Grandfather and Grandmother. No one expected to lose them at such young ages. We always thought we had more time, time to record their voices and write down their stories. But we didn’t.

And as memories start to fade, I get scared that I am going to lose their stories altogether, the few I remember. So now? I may over-document things and I don’t care, because if I could do it over again, I would change things. I would write their stories. I would make my Mom lug our 75 lb video camera up to their house and record their laughter.

If we get to have children one day… they will know our story. They will know their Grandparent’s story, because we are writing it here. We are taking 250,780 pictures at every family gathering. We are video taping it. This love of documentation? I got it from my Mom, and every time she shoved the video camera in my face I sighed heavily…but now? Those old home videos are treasures.

So tell your story, tell the story of the elders in your families. It’s a treasure that you cannot get back, even though one day you’ll want to.

My mind is sort of a jumbled mess right now. So it’s a good thing it’s Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, which doesn’t require me to put together sentences that might make sense. Because it’s all about being real. And right now? It’s all about jumble. So here we go, welcome to my stream of thoughts.

I had my last staff meeting today at the job that I’m leaving. In three short weeks I will officially be employed at only one agency. This has not been true in many, many years. I have had multiple jobs for a long time now, something like ten years. Because it was necessary. I was in school and things like rent needed to get paid.

And now? It’s not so necessary. So I’m cutting down to one job until we leave for North Carolina. And I’m going to have Wednesdays off. And although it is amazing, I had no idea the anxiety this would cause me. I suppose when you get so used to something (like working 14 hours days), it is a little anxiety producing when that changes, even if it’s changing for the better. So I had my last staff meeting today, at an agency that I really do love, that has taught me a lot, and one that I am sad to leave. I’m not sure where to put it, so I’m putting it here.

It is just the beginning it what will be a series of goodbyes as we begin to look at the reality of moving to North Carolina. A reality that I am so excited about, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I will miss. Because there are things I will miss, and people I will miss, and this process is going to be just as hard as it is exciting. Change. Ever constant.

I went grocery shopping today. This is a feat because Casey and I are both sick, and last night we went to bed at 6pm. No joke. I’m feeling sort of better today after 12 hours of Nyquil induced sleep. But I really hate grocery shopping. However we really needed food since we were away this weekend and have none. And we had Wendy’s last night, which is never a good decision. It tastes good, but my jeans were snug this morning. Oh jeans. They are so unforgiving.