In hospital visits?

In physical therapy appointments?

In pills swallowed?

In neurologist follow ups?

In hand tremors?

In phone calls to update family members?

In tears?

In screams of fear into the universe?

In dropped items from a hand that can no longer hold them?

In lost nights of sleep?

In nightmares?

In ambulance sirens?

In headaches?

In lost time at work?

In failed attempts to run?

In trips to the bathroom with a cane?

In endless questions… how? why?

How about… L O V E.

I don’t remember how old I was when I came up with the (brilliant!) idea to ask my Grandmother if she would be my pen pal. Or maybe it was my Mom’s (brilliant!) idea. Anyway, it was brilliant.

How much fun I had writing cards and letters to my Grammie – and the excitement that built up waiting for her cards to arrive in the mail. She would always update me on the weather first (I think it’s a New England thing) and then the general going-ons in her life, including her dogs, and gardening. She would often include stickers, and things that she had cut out of magazines to include in my card.

I treasured these.

In fact, I still have them all. And I recall vividly the last card that my Grammie sent me before she died. I am so glad to have these tangible remants of her writing, her thoughts, her expressions of her love and caring for me. They still make me feel special to this day, when I read through them all.

Part of my happiness project is sending cards out to people twice weekly. I hope that they bring the same sense of special-ness to the recipients that I felt on those days that a card arrived in the mail just for me. There is something to be said for taking the time to write a Real! Live! Letter! to someone and sending it through the Real! Live! Post! Office!

Go ahead, just try it!

There have been many times in my life where I have subscribed to the notion that everything happens for a reason.

But if we are being honest, I do not whole-heartedly believe this. It kind of bothers me-  because I’m often hypocritical when I say everything happens for a reason to explain things like why our house didn’t sell the first time (by golly! that happened for a reason, because now we’re moving to a different state- which we wouldn’t have been able to do if our house sold last year!) But other things? (likemyhusbandhavingastrokeat32yearsold?) I scream bloody murder at the universe – WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD MAKE THIS OKAY?! WHAT IS THIS TEACHING ME?! (besidesthatlifetrulysuckssometimes?!).

I don’t know how to reconcile between these two extremes. I admire people who have consistent faith in something (whatever that may be), who are unwavering in their belief. But I just don’t think I’m one of them. But at the same time, I can’t believe that everything is truly just random can I? Or can I?

So, while I don’t know if I believe that everything happens for a reason, I do believe (and who can really argue?) that things happen. How I choose to react to those things, I suppose, is where the lesson truly lies. Do I learn from them or do I wallow? Most of the time, I really do try and learn. But there are days – more than I care to admit – that I wallow. Usually when it’s something I feel helpless about (like infertility. kidney disease. politics.), but sometimes I wallow in stupid little things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

There are so many people out there trying to figure out the meaning of life. Hence why we come up with phrases like everything happens for a reason. To make sense out of the bad, and celebrate the good. I think, in our own ways though, we are all trying to figure out the meaning of our own life. What do I do? What’s my purpose?

I’m trying to settle down and trust that my purpose is to be here. To work at a job I love. To support my family and friends. To challenge myself. To choose to be kind. To interact with my environment in a meaningful way. To play with my dogs. To learn. To teach. To love. And that? It just might be enough.

So- maybe everything happens for a reason, maybe it doesn’t. But life is happening right now.  And I want to make the most of it. So I will choose to keep learning and growing from what happens to me, limit my wallowing, and let the universe teach me what it will – whether it has a reason or not.

I’m sitting here on a Sunday night. We’ve just cleaned the kitchen. Put clothes away. Finished some paperwork. Cleaned the bathroom.

Blankets and towels are spinning in the dryer, filling the house with the lovely scent of lavender dryer sheets.

It’s a feeling that somehow reminds me of my childhood.

Warm jammies fluffing in the dryer on a Sunday night so they’d be cozy warm to put on after bathtime. Followed by snuggling up on the couch to watch “Life Goes On” while having my hair brushed and braided by my Mom.

Feeling sad that the weekend is coming to a close, but smiling at the memories of another great weekend.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Birthdays are a reflective time for many, and I’m no different. As I write this on the eve of turning 29, I’m reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned this year. They have been many – wonderful, dizzying, terrifying, amazing and painful all rolled into one.

There has been some very significant challenges this year. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Friendships brought to the brink. Stroke. Miscarriage. In each of these moments – I felt despair. As if the world should stop moving to give me a chance to catch up, to catch my breath, to get my footing. It didn’t. The world moved on, sometimes before I was even mentally present in my own life. As I stand on the other side of it all, I marvel at the fact that I am here. 1,000,000 tears later and a lot of lessons learned. Just when you think you know it all (they change all the rules). . . but life? It does go on. This is just one moment. And even if you’re stuck in a very hard moment, it will move on. You will find a light. And if you can’t? Ask to borrow someone else’s light until you can find your own.

Over our vacation, I read a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It was a book about the author’s year-long adventure into finding out what would make her life happier/better/more fun. It resonated with me, particularly in the way that she talked about setting goals and then checking in on these goals on a daily basis. She “studied” several different arenas thought to bring happiness (organizing your life, finances, generosity, spirtuality, exercising, etc). I really recommend reading it. I’m going to attempt to TRY and bring some balance into my life, so I created some goals for myself – I plan on checking these off my to-do list on a daily and/or weekly basis. Here are my goals so far!

Daily Goals
-Exercise 20 minutes or more
-Walk the dogs 1 mile or more
-Eat less than 1,500 calories
-Sleep 7 hours or more
-Do not use “snappy” tone of voice with people
-Do not call self fat/ugly, etc.
-Spontaneously compliment a stranger
-Do dishes at night

Weekly Goals
-Date night at least once a week
-Work late only two nights a week
-Grocery shop with a menu
-Eat out only once per week
-Send cards/letters to 2 people a week
-Call friend/family 2 times a week
-Work on 2 house projects a week

What are your goals? And for goodness sake- why aren’t you reading The Happiness Project yet?

Several years ago, Stacey and I watched a movie.

A terrible movie, really.

One of Will Ferrell’s lesser known movies, Winter Passing.

(I don’t really recommend it).

But the movie? Well, it made me cry.

Because a year after watching the movie I was in the hospital with Stacey, and my Mom. Stacey was being wheeled off to surgery and her last words to me?

“Well, I’ve gotta go rock.”

The one and only amusing quote from that terrible movie- made me cry.

But rock, she did.

That day was September 13, 2007 and Stacey was being wheeled off to have her left kidney removed from her body – so that it could be placed in my Mother’s body.

It’s been over four years since that day, and I have yet to write about the experience. For no reason. For many reasons. What should have been only a wonderful experience was marred by incompetent doctors, bedside vigals, and a 25th birthday that was marked with my Mother in a coma and my father so stressed that he forgot all about it.

As my 29th birthday rolls around, the news that my Uncle Jeff has been diagnosed with kidney failure has found us. He has 30 percent kidney function right now – which means a transplant is a few years out for him (hopefully). And I’m helpless. Helpless because I have Stage 2 kidney failure myself. Helpless because we have so little family that literally no one in my immediate family can even be tested as a match. Helpless against a disease that has killed my Grandmother, nearly my Mother, and has affected myself, my great aunts, and now my uncle. For no good reason. No one has diabetes. Everyone is fairly healthy otherwise. And there’s nothing any of us can do, but watch. Watch the decline in him. Watch the decline in me. And hope – when the time comes, that a donor can be found in time. Living donors make all the difference.

Stacey’s kidney has brought my Mom into the range of normal kidney function! And because she was a living donor – the kidney has a longer lifespan – meaning hopefully my Mom will not need another kidney transplant (chronic kidney disease sufferers often have multiple transplants in their lifetime). And our story is unusual with its multiple complications after the procedure (my Mom doesn’t like to do anything the easy way!) Typically living donor surgeries result in a recipient that is up and functioning normally within 4-6 weeks. The donor typically has very few risks (outside of those of any surgery, of course). 4 years later, Stacey and my Mom are perfectly healthy! It is a true miracle. A miracle to witness, and to be a part of.

I encourage everyone to check out http://www.donatelife.net/ and read about the stories of donation. Update your organ donor card – and if you’re interested in learning more about kidney diease and how you can help – check out http://www.kidney.org/. Donate money, donate time, increase your knowledge.

I’m working on our donation story to submit to Donate Life. To continue the stories of hope and life. I’ll be sure to post it when I’m done.

Thanks for reading!

From 9/19/10 to today, I have learned…

…that no matter how much we struggle with money, we can always find a way to make it through together.

…that a healthy 32-year-old can have a stroke and Jenn, Stacey, and Sandy can really come together in a medical crisis.

…that we can get by just fine without cable (6 months last Monday!), and can always find ways to enjoy the time we spend together.

…just how adventurous we are with our lives, and hope that next year I’ll have learned how well we can sell a house.

…what a wonderful beach Ocean Park has and how much fun we can have there.

…the reality of just how bad miscarriages hurt.

…that I have a low sperm count and that we may never have kids.

…that Italy is a WONDERFUL country, as is Spain.  France….eh.

…that Newark Airport sucks, and that I can be the one with the cool head, once in awhile.

…that no how many years, months (42.5 since we met!), weeks, or days pass by, that I will love Jenn more each and every day, and never want to spend any less than an eternity with her!

“Instead of asking people what they do, ask them what they love to do.”

So, I’m asking you.


“What do you love to do?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*

Laugh until I cry.

Be understood.

Finish my husband’s sentence- because I can.

Singing. LOUDLY!

Help a kid express him/herself in a way that other people GET IT.

Work (I know, LAME).

Making cloud pictures.

Snuggling my puppies.

Crunching leaves.

Puddle jumping.

BIG, GIANT, HUGS!!!

Talking in Friends quotes.

Playing video games.

Reading. Reading. Reading.

Being in school (it’s a love-hate thing)

September 19, 2009.

Hiking.

Gym dates.

Writing out cards – for no reason.

Practing random acts of kindness!

Love. I love love love spreading love.

When we’re at our most challenged, our most frustrated, our most overwhelmed, knowing that someone believes in us is the most priceless thing imaginable.


Who believes in you today? Who believed in you in the past? 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I’ve had my moments.

Beautiful moments.

Grasping a diploma in my hand – not once, not twice, but three times. Receiving my license to practice in the mail. Running a half hour all at once. Completing a triathlon. Saying “I will” to my husband nearly two years ago.

Without many- these moments mean very little.

Without the person who I could call at any time on the phone and cry to when the world seemed overwhelming.

Without the person who paid for my books the first semester of college because I had no idea that a book could even cost over $100.

Without the person who took care of my dog for the beginning of his life so that I could attend classes, and work, and do an internship.

Without the person who I am most at peace with – whose arms are truly where I am meant to exist.

Without the person who I call when I have a flat tire, when I’m not sure I remember how to check my oil, when I’m scared and need someone to tell me it’s okay.

Without the person who pushed me- mentally and physically when I did not believe I could complete a triathlon.

Without the person who randomly sings musical show tunes with me through my tears.

Without the person who can finish my sentences, and understand me when I randomly say “Speaking of cool!”

Without the people who have made all these moments possible, and worthwhile.

I’m lucky to have all kinds of people who have, and do believe in me.

Part of what I hope to do in my work is pass on to these beautiful children that someone believes in them, because believe me – it makes all the difference.