Her eyes watch me carefully as I sit down, and then she casts them downward as I try to meet her gaze.
She doesn’t speak. She can, but she for awhile now she has been refusing.
My mind races. Mentally reviewing the assessment. Hearing the words of past therapists.
Not sure there’s anything to be done, one said.
I sit in the stillness with her.
I hear the gentle ticking of the clock. The reminder of time quickly passing us by.
My own anxiety creeping into my brain.
The voice of doubt slithers into the silence, if they couldn’t do anything, what do they expect me to do? I’m not a miracle worker, I’m just another social worker.
I move my body slowly to the floor.
She follows my movement, ever vigilant.
I get out a bucket of crayons and begin to spread colors across a blank slate.
The whoosh of my crayons fills the silence.
I give a sly, sideways glance toward the little girl.
A smile is playing at the corner of her lips.
I place a crayon near her, with a fresh piece of paper.
Minutes go by as I color, painfully aware of the silence. Of the stillness.
And then in a swift movement, she takes the crayon and begins to draw her story.
I exhale with the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Little victories.
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“And I’ll be awful sometimes Weakened to my knees I’ll learn to get by And I’ll learn to get by
My indecisiveness flies free when I get such assignments as Pick the 10 Songs that describe your life! Oh my goodness. Music is SUCH an important part of my life, it’s hard to narrow it down. After all, it’s been nearly 3 decades of song in my life (and yes, I’ll dig out the picture of me listening to music with my Dad’s big earphones when I was about 1. He was a DJ, and my Mom LOVES music too, so it’s always been a part of my life). These are all songs that transport me to particular times and places in my life. So without further ado here is my list, in no particular order.
{Have I Told You Lately, That I Love You, Rod Stewart}
My Mom used to sing this to me all the time in the car. I will forever think of her when I hear it and feel safe. I will also think of cruising down the back country roads to my Grandmother’s house with the sunroof open, singing at the top of our lungs.“Oh the morning sun in all it’s glory, greets the day with hope and comfort too. And you fill my life with laughter. You make it better. Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.
{So This is Love, James Ingram}
This is our wedding song. And our blog name. And the perfect song to describe Casey and I. I remember one of the first times we danced to it, around the pool at his parents house showing off our moves that we learned in our ballroom dancing class. This was the day that Casey would later tell me that he knew he was in love with me. I knew that I never wanted to stop dancing with him. “So this is you. So this is me. So this is what makes life complete.”
{Fly, Celine Dion}
I listened to this song on repeat when we miscarried. It can still resolve me to tears most days of the week. It is beautiful, in a haunting away. “Fly, fly precious one. Your endless journey has begun. Take your gentle happiness, far too beautiful for this. Cross over to the other shore, there is peace – forevermore. But hold this memory bittersweeet, until we meet.”
{I’ll Be There For You, The Rembrandts}
This song is two-fold. Firstly, it is the theme song of course to Friends. A show that my best friend and I started to enjoy in its last season. We then went through and watched it all, and these days we can have entire conversations in quotes from the show. It’s something we do via text quite often. When I moved in with Casey my parting gift to her was the complete series box set. But this song? It is also US. Plus, I got her to dance at my wedding to this song. So there’s a bonus! “No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me. Since you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me. Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with. Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at me worst I’m best with you.”
{Bridge Over Troubled Water, Simon & Garfunkel}
So. When I am stressed I often listen to a song on repeat that helps me. That I can sing at the top of my lungs to. That is meaningful. When my Mom was really, really sick after her kidney transplant, and Stacey was really sick after donating, and I felt really alone in the world, was in grad school, working full time, and commuting to a hospital 3 hours a way every chance I could – I was listening to this song on repeat. I was willing the words in to the unconscious brain of my Mom. The first night they took her off the ventilator and she was struggling to breathe, I sang it to her all night long. Until eventually they had to put her back on the ventilator and back to unconsciousness. My song failed. I am always transported to that scary time in 2007 when I hear this song. How I wished that I could take her pain away. “I’ll take your part, when darkness comes..and pain is all around. Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.”
{One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men}
This song was popular around the time my Grandmother died. By this time, we had lost two of my uncles, my Grandfather and my Grandmother on my Mom’s side of the family. I will always hear this song and think of them. I remember ice skating with my Mom, and this song came on and we held hands going around the rink – remembering the lives of those we loved and lost.
{Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley version}
A beautiful song. I have no idea why I connect with it, but I do. It’s haunting. It’s desperate. It just gets me. “And love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.”
{Hold On, Wilson Phillips}
This song doesn’t really need any explaining does it? This is my go to song on a bad day, when I’m feeling sorry for myself, or when I need to just get up and dance around like a fool (much like I did when it first came out, in my room, with my beloved walkman back in 1990). “You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness. You got yourself into your own mess. Lettin’ your worries pass you by, don’t you think it’s worth your time to change your mind?”
{White Rabbit, Jefferson Airplane}
Okay, so funny story. When I was a wee one, as I mentioned, my Dad was a DJ at a local “Oldies” station. I FELL IN LOVE with this song for whatever reason, and clearly remember asking my Dad to make a tape of it for me. And he did. And I promise, I HAD NO IDEA what this song was about. It’s been one of those “hahaisn’tthatfunny” things about me for a long time, especially when I finally figured out the song. I remember going to my Mom and Dad asking them why in the world they let me listen to it on repeat. They thought it was hysterical! I still love the song. Whatever.
{Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles}
My list would not be complete without adding in the Beatles. I am a fan of so much of their stuff. I chose this song, because I remember a few years after my Grandmother died, I finally drove myself to the Cemetery where she was buried. I finally said goodbye. The loss of her was very hard for me, because we were very close. I still feel the loss of her in a very real way. I remember vividly driving out of the cemetery and this came on my MIX TAPE (remember those?). I cried through the whole thing, having one of those moments where I felt like the universe was speaking to me. I had finally said goodbye, and it was saying “Here comes the sun, and I say, it’s alright.”
I’ve had a few things on my mind lately that I MUST SHARE WITH ALL OF YOU! Things I’ve referenced but not fully explained, and things I think you will love as much as I do.
First of all, The Fitbit (held in the picture to show how tiny it is!). My Mom got Casey and I one of these supped up pedometers for Christmas, and we LOVE it. This lovely little device captures the number of steps you take in a day, flights of stairs you’ve walked, calories burned, activity level – and it randomly sends you inspirational phrases like “I LUV YA!” and “STEPGEEK!” and “CLIMB!” It connects wirelessly to your computer to update your stats throughout the day, and comes with a charger that is a USB device.
You can enter your daily gym activity, and your daily food intake as well. If you choose to set a weight loss goal, it will give you suggested meal and exercise plans. It tracks it ALL!
You also wear this device while you’re sleeping and it tracks your sleep!
You can see that last night I had a 95% efficient sleep, but I was “awakened” 19 times. I think this is mostly when I roll over or move. Basically I got a ton of sleep last night, and it was much needed! I highly recommend this fantastic device to anyone looking to increase their health and pay more attention to the activity they get throughout a day.
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Next up, you may have heard me mention a canvas art that I got for our 4 year dating anniversary at the beginning of this month. I was introduced to this fabulous woman through the SITS Girls daily feature, and bookmarked her talent for the perfect time. I wanted a picture from our wedding, accompanied by our vows. Stephanie at Geezees was super easy to work with, and did an amazing job! Here’s the finished product.
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And last, but DEFINITELY not least, I have finished reading an amazing book my one of my first bloggy friends, Kenya. She, much like myself, enjoys quotes from kids. Except she actually took it a step further and published a book chock full of adorable quotes by her very own son! I think this is amazing because he will never be this small again, and here she has a very wonderful snapshot of his wit and wisdom at this age.
Here is a perfect example…
I highly recommend picking up a copy of The Christopher Chronicles: Dead Chicken Soup for the Soul, as soon as possible – because you will LOVE it, and you will be laughing the entire time. Plus, isn’t it great to support fellow bloggers in their adventures? I think so, and trust me, Kenya is a wonderful person to support!
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Okay that’s it for now! I hope you all will go explore some of these neat things! Also, I have not been compensated or asked to review any of these items; they are just some amazing things that I wanted to let you know about!
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Also linking up this post with GBE (Group Blogging Experience) for their prompt of “Reviews!” Go here to learn more about GBE, and join us!
Happy Sunday, everyone! Welcome back to another glimpse into my random brain.
Remember how I got an iPod touch and promised more pictures from our week? OH YEAH. I love this thing. Here are the ones randomly chosen to fit in with my stream of consciousness this week.
First- a confession. Did you know that I SQUEEZE FROM THE MIDDLE? It’s true. And Casey? He squeezes from the top. Live in horror people, because we are wild and crazy over here.
My Mom also got an iPod touch, and we figured out Facetime!! Wee!! Now we can chat anytime. And I also figured out how to take screen shots. I am unstoppable!
Here’s my work at training Stacey’s dog, Chandler. (Mom, this one’s for you!) Excuse my voice, I hate listening to it on video. But you know. And yes, we still have Christmas lights strung up around the house. Do you have a problem with that?
I am the crazy girl taking pictures at the gym. Of myself. But only because I am wearing a most awesome Mighty Mouse shirt that says “Welcome to the Gun Show.” Welcome, indeed! Speaking of the gym, I had someone comment that they wished they as much free time as me to go to the gym. I love them dearly, but I almost took offense to this, as I don’t have loads of free time. But I do make the gym a priority. Read more on this at Susan’s page, I totally agree with her.
Here is our dog Barney. He’s under-represented on the blog and in pictures, because he does not often stop moving long enough to get a cute picture of him. But I snapped this one this week, and I thought it captured his adorable-ness. He’s more adorable when he’s not pacing the living room in the middle of the night and barking. That kind of behavior lands him in doggy jail.
Here is Skeeter demonstrating what doggy jail is. After going into the bathroom and tearing up an entire roll of toilet paper. Yup, they are the same as toddlers. Except I can lock them up in their bed as a punishment, which is frowned upon with “real” children.
Okay, time’s up! Enough random rambles from me today. The goal for today is to walk 20,000 steps on the Fitbit and to reach 150 stairs. Tune back in next week to see if I was successful 🙂
Oh, and I haven’t plugged this in awhile, but if you would come “like” our Facebook page, I’d be forever grateful. It’s lonely.
Have a great day, everyone!
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Linked up with Fadra for Stream of Consciousness Sunday!
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
Set a timer and write for 5 minutes. Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw. Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible. Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post. Link up your post below. Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
This Saturday, I’ve decided to compile a list of reasons why I sometimes fill the stereotypical “woman” role in our relationship.
-I remember the important dates. Well, so does Jenn, but I’ll add that I remember ALL the dates. In addition to the “normal” stuff (first date, first kiss, wedding anniversary, etc.), I know that we first went camping on 6/20/08. I know that our first concert (my first one ever) was on 6/17/10. She gave me a homemade photo montage for the first time on 9/5/08. And the list goes on.
-Jenn mentioned once before how she didn’t cry during Nights in Rodanthe, but I did. I cry at many “chick flicks.” Earlier this week I cried through Disney/Pixar’s Up. Like all of it. She cried at the beginning, but didn’t succumb to all of the emotional twists and turns that movie had.
-I get worried about characters in fictional shows. Like we were watching “Jem” season 1 on DVD and I got worried about a little orphan girl who was going to go blind unless Jem and the Holograms could raise enough money for her operation by doing a movie with the Misfits. It’s emotional stuff!
-I also had a lot of trouble breaking down the old door frame to take to the dump. I cringed and screamed like a little girl while we ripped apart the frame. I didn’t want a nail or a piece of wood to go flying and hit one of us.
-A few weeks ago, we borrowed my Dad’s truck to haul a lot of big items to the dump and the storage unit. I’m a fairly nervous driver, and don’t like sitting up high in a vehicle, so Jenn offered to drive. And she drove it the entire day.
-On our second date, Jenn discovered my set of “Powerpuff Girls” DVDs. It’s a good show!! I have recently sold them on account that I haven’t watched them since I was a big fat loser bachelor, so I suppose I have redeemed myself.
-My nails get really long. That’s due to my forgetfulness, though, not some need to grow them long or paint them or anything like that.
-I apparently look like my Mom. To the point that people at work saw an old photo hanging in my cubicle of my Mom holding me as a baby, and asked whose baby I was holding. Sometimes when I need a haircut Jenn says I start to look like her.
So that’s the list! I hope you found it entertaining! I also want to thank everyone who participated in last week’s competition moral research. It looks like “Team Casey” won out, meaning that most of you feel that this is a reasonable service and not a form of indentured servitude. I actually went to get a gallon of milk this week and listened to my Inner Jenn and walked inside the store to get it. I also didn’t want to pay an extra $5 service fee for the gallon of milk (which was totally the motivating factor).
Welcome to another exciting edition of Kid Quotes! I am adding a link up today. I am hoping at least one person joins it, and that maybe if you love the kid quotes – you’ll add your own or pass it on! For anyone new here, I am a social worker and I collect the random things kids say to me during the week and share them here – because they are hilaarriiioousss!! Please give ME a round of applause, because I also created a BUTTON! Please link up by grabbing to code for the button and then entering your blog post in the Link up at the bottom!
And on to the kid quotes…
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Mrs. Gilman? My Mom said she’s never taking me into the public again. What’s the public? I don’t even like the public anyway. (6 y.o.)
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Kid: Jenn, I pretty much live in a Gangsta’s Paradise.
Me: You live in…Maine.
Kid: Same difference.
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Kid: Mrs. Gilman? Why do they make ducks into tape? Isn’t that kind of mean? (5 y.o.)
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Kid: Mrs. Gilman? Do you keep a lot of thoughts in your head?
Me: Yeah. Why do you ask?
Kid: Well, you’re hair is AWFULLY curly with thoughts. (8 y.o.)
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Me: What are you making?
Kid: A molecular structure.
Me: Oh really? What is a molecular structure?
Kid: Where moles live. DUH. (6 y.o.)
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Kid: Is that a picture of your dog?
Me: Yup, that’s Skeeter.
Kid: Oh, I could tell he was your dog. You have the same hair. (9 y.o.)
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Kid: My Mom calls my stepdad her hubby.
Me: Oh yeah?
Kid: HUBBY IS SUCH AN OLD WORD. She has to call him “beau”
It’s hard to put yourself out there. To talk about the hard things. To acknowledge that you struggle. But every time that I do, I am taken aback. By the support. The love. The virtual nods of sympathy and looks of understanding. The comments. The e-mails. The phone calls. The cards.
We all know sadness And I feel your pain Well everybody knows a little loneliness sometimes ‘Cause we’re all the same
A remarkable amount of people have reached out to me. Sharing their own stories. Of miscarriage. Of infertility. Of young stroke survivors. Of kidney disease. Of their own times surviving on ramen noodles and dreams.
We all have sorrow We all have shame Everybody feels a bit of emptiness sometimes Now what you gonna do about that
At times, I want to say NO. My experience is mine and no one could ever know what I feel. And to an extent, that’s true for all of us. We can never know other journeys the way we know our own. But we can choose isolation, or we can choose connection. We can know that although people cannot be in our shoes, they can share situations that are painfully similar. And often, they can share their stories of hope.
There’s a way to keep going Step by step Try to fix what’s been broken Brick by brick While your life will keep coming Year after year Drain the pain Tear by tear Drain away the pain Tear by tear
I will not allow myself to be isolated. I will not allow things that have happened in my life, to determine who I am. They are no stronger than they wonderful things that counteract them. They are all only pieces and parts. I admit though, those bad things? They are compelling. Some days they force me into a corner until all I want to do is crawl underneath the covers. And then I write about it.
Take a look around you Every face that you see Well everybody gets a little paralyzed sometimes The epidemic of our insanity
And there all of you are. With your own stories. With your own tears. And you lend me your strength. You lend me your smiles. You hope for me when I can no longer hope.You say prayers. You offer little pieces of sunshine that will eventually lead me out of the darkness.
Thank you. Each and every one of you. The new, the old, those I’ve known for all my life and those I’ve met recently through this virtual journey. Thank you for a hand up when I need it, a shove when I need it, a good laugh, a kick in the pants when I need it, and love (isn’t that all we really need, after all?)
It is almost like she is a little girl again, and I am her little brown bear that she takes everywhere.
It is familiar – the way her chocolate brown curls are covering my body, as she squeezes me so tight.
Tonight, tears are falling from her cheeks at an alarming rate and absorbing into my brown fur.
I don’t make a sound, but I wish with every ounce of my stuffing that I could take her pain away.
I wonder, briefly, how many tears have fallen onto me over the years.
She murmurs into my body. I can’t understand fully what she is saying.
I have spent most of my days lately tucked away on a shelf.
I see the sun rise and the sun set.
I watch her laugh as she spends time with friends.
I watch her schedule herself to be too many places at once, and then wonder how she is going to get it all done.
She is a beautiful young woman.
She has outgrown me.
Most days, anyways.
But today, she needs me. And I am there. As I have always been.
I absorb her tears until she cannot cry anymore, until she rests on my body.
Her head fits snugly into a mold she has created from many years using me as a pillow.
“Oh Snuggles,” she sighs.
She fingers the familiar remnants of a hole in my neck – a scar from a run-in with an overzealous dog. I remember how kindly her Grandmother had sewed it for me. She was a gentle woman.
“You always smell the same,” she says as she breathes in deeply.
I want to tell her that she does too. That I miss the days of her and I.
Even the days that she forced me to put on a bonnet and a diaper and lay in her play crib while she force fed me bottles.
She props me up, and stares into my dark eyes. Her eyes are red and puffy, her hair is a mess. She is exhausted.
She hugs me tight again, and begins to fall asleep.
Tomorrow, I will end up on the shelf again.
She will be smiling again.
But tonight? Tonight it’s me and her.
Together.
Tonight, I will make her feel safe.
Just like I’ve been doing since she was just a little girl, with her little brown bear.
