On wearing yoga pants.

At the beginning of the new year, I hopped on a bandwagon of my own. I was determined to make 2012 the year of ME! To start doing things that would allow me to focus on myself instead of everyone else around me all the time. I know, a journey to selfishness really? And although selfish has a negative connotation, I believe we all need to be selfish to some level so that we can take care of ourselves, which in turn makes us better for everyone else, too.

At least this is the mantra I keep giving myself.

First, I quit one of my jobs. And every day after (and it’s only been a month),  I begin to travel down the road of, “WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” “WE NEED THE MONEY!” “WE ARE BLEEDING MONEY!” To be fair to my inner voice, we have spent a lot of money on the house lately and we do owe 3k in taxes, so a freak out about money isn’t exactly unwarranted. However, I need to keep reminding myself that having two jobs meant that I didn’t have dinner with my husband more than once or twice a week, that I was on call ALLTHETIME, that the sound of my work cell phone ringing literally made my eye twitch. That I would cry every morning on my way to work, stressed underneath the trauma and needs of 40 children I was working with. 40! Children! With! Problems! That I was soveryclose to burning out in my profession. Still, letting go of work stress has been stressful. If that even makes sense.

My newest “focus on me” project is to take a yoga class. Which is funny because I own a LOT of pairs of yoga pants, and at best I’ve worn them to do yoga maybe 15-20 times. But always a video, in the comfort of my own home, where I can swear at the TV and give it funny looks when it suggests the newest way  that I should attempt to contort my body into.

Yes. I’m nervous.

So nervous I nearly went out and bought new yoga pants. So nervous I nearly talked myself out of going at all (after all, inner voice says we don’t really need to be spending money on such things).

But I am focusing. Focusing on my dedication to myself. To doing things that are new to me, stretch me past my comfort zone, force me to listen to myself (in all my crazy glory).

So, at noontime, I’ll be spreading my hot pink  yoga mat down next to a stranger. I will have weird butterflies in my stomach like it’s a first date. I will practice deep breathing and meditation, and I will wear my yoga pants proudly… to actually do yoga. Wish me luck.

Namaste.

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