I thought a lot about what to post here today.

Like so many days, infertility and our miscarriage has stolen away the joy of days like Mother’s Day. I am not a mother. Those words are painful. If desperately wanting were enough, we would have dozens of children. But it isn’t enough. And to those of who in the same boat as me, wanting children, or having lost children my heart is with all of you today.

On the flip side of coin, I have a wonderful Mother of my own. And I know dozens of amazing mothers.

And I choose, today, to celebrate them. To do my very best not to be envious of them. To honor who they are and know that they have earned this day, this day to celebrate all that they do every day. The children they are growing, raising or have raised. The boo-boos they have kissed. The dreams they have made come true. The long nights worrying. The phone calls asking what temperature to cook the chicken at. The love that goes beyond anything that I can put into words.

Here’s to you.

Yesterday I had one of those days at work where I hated my job.

Not because of what my job is, but more because of what it can’t be.

I had to sit with a 7 and 10 year old as they were told that their Dad had to “go away” for awhile to rehab for being addicted to crack, and nearly killing himself two days ago from drug overdose.

I had to sit with a kid who drew a picture of shooting his Mom in the head, and try to figure out where this anger was coming from.

I had to sit with a kid who told me he believes his father does not love him.

And all I can do is sit with these kids.

I cannot make it better. I cannot make them unknow what they know.

I cannot take away their pain.

I cannot even going to tell them “it’s all going to be okay,” because in their world – it very well may never be okay.

And some days? The world seems so heavy, and it is so unfair that these kids..KIDS..are carrying around knowledge and pain that even most adults will never know.

And I hate it.

And although I know that it is important that I am there. That it is important that I do what I do… I hate it.

There is nothing a control freak fears more than being helpless.

And sometimes, sitting on the front lines, with these children – it is hard. And it gets to me.

Because I get to leave and live my life with people who I know love me, who make me laugh, and support me. Who tell me that I’m such a good person for doing what I do. And they? They go on to live what they know – fear, abuse, drugs, pain, loss – and it is forever altering who they will be.

And I really, really, really hate that.

*****

Initially I wanted to write this post to tell you all about a funny old woman who is stalking our house and named it Tululia.

She called us earlier this evening, having seen the ad for our house in the paper. Casey answered the phone, and began talking with her.

Her name is Evelyn. She is 66, and living in an assisted living facility somewhere nearby. She went on to say that she loves our house, wants to buy it and turn it into a refuge for abused animals and have them work with abused children. She is desperately trying to figure out a way to come see our house, to hitch a ride with a friend from Church. She wants to name our house “Tululia” and told us to lock it up tight tonight and keep it safe.

She is a woman with dreams, and a dynamic personality.

But she is a woman in a wheelchair, on disability, and she will not be able to buy our house.

But Casey? He talked to this woman twice tonight, for over a half hour. He laughed with her, and listened to her, and let her hold on to her dream.

When he hung up the phone, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that he really hopes she has grandchildren that come to visit her wherever she is living, because she seems so lonely, and how terrible it is to just want to live your dream out when you just can’t physically do it.

And that is when this turned from a you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up funny story, to a story about a moment when I fell in love with my husband all over again.

Thank you, Evelyn.

(playing together with play-doh)

Kid: Hey, Mrs. G? What’s this play-doh thing supposed to do?

Me: I’m not sure. Why don’t you try it?

Kid: Hey! It looks like I’m making tire tracks in the play-doh!

Me: Wow, that’s great!

Kid: Hey, Mrs. G! Now it looks like I’m making stairs!

Me: That’s really cool!

Kid: I think it looks like it could be a hockey stick too, I could play play-doh hockey!

Me: You could, couldn’t you?

Kid: Hey Mrs. G?

Me: Yeah?

Kid: I can make this be whatever I want it to be, can’t I?

Me: Well, I suppose you can, can’t you?

Kid: Just like my life, right?

Me: Yes, exactly like your life.

–7 year old

****

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Quote from the song “The Story” by Brandi Carlile. Listen here!

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Linking up with Bits of Bee!

I had fun playing with the app “Diptic” that allows you to quickly do comparisons, when I found this old picture of Casey on the computer. HOLY DIFFERENCE, Batman! I mean, the size of those glasses?

SO then of course I had to do me, because who couldn’t use a little inspiration/reminder of WHY the gym and eating turkey burgers is so important? This is why.

I get flyers for lots of trainings. Here’s one that I could use, along with lots o’ people I know 😉

A peek into my office at the school I work in.

A bouquet of play-doh roses. Obviously I missed my calling as a play-doh artist. I also like to live out my dreams of being a cake decorator through play-doh.

Yoga! My yoga class is going pretty good. I am THISCLOSE from being able to stretch my legs out in a wide side stance and put my head on the floor without bending my legs. Who knew? Today I am going to a class taught by my friend Julie!

Wednesday I spent the day with these two cuties. We had a long walk and then a fight for who was going to be on my lap.

Us wishing Gryffindor a Happy Birthday. My Mom’s dog (who yes, is named after Harry Potter) turned 8 I believe yesterday! We sent him pictures of all of us.

Draw Something feature of the day? Via me! I know, I know, I’m surprised The Simpsons haven’t called me to do some drawing for them.

We had a bust of an open house yesterday. Even the balloons wanted to die. And we were forced to eat all of the chocolate chip cookies we baked. SOMEONE BUY OUR HOUSE PLEASE!

Oh hey. Stacey and I walked this yesterday! Weeeeee. I got a LOT of steps in on my FitBit yesterday!

****

Okay, so it was kind of a boring week last week. Hopefully something more exciting will happen this week.

I will say that yesterday was also my Grammie’s birthday, so I will leave you with a picture of a woman that I wish everyday I had more time with.

“Wishing you were somehow here again. Wishing you were somehow near. Sometimes it seemed, if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here.” -Phantom of the Opera

As you know, the quotes that you read here every Friday are brilliant, witty, and knee-slapping funny. 90% of these quotes come from kids who have been neglected or sexually, physically, or emotionally abused by people who were supposed to be taking care of them. April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. A month is not enough. Light must be constantly and continually shed upon the abuse of children. If you know of any abuse or suspected abuse call your local Child Protective Agency or the police. You can report anonymously if you feel more comfortable that way. It is not okay to turn your head. It is not okay for us to hide our heads in the sand. It is our job as adults to look out for those who cannot look out for themselves. Please, help make me unemployed!

Deciding to have a baby is supposed to be the hard decision.

When to start trying. How much money to have saved up. Planning for a winter pregnancy to avoid heat, or a summer pregnancy to avoid having to wear shoes.

When we made the decision to try for our first child, neither of us had any idea the world we were about to enter.

We started off in a stage of bliss. Ignorance, really.

1. Trying to Conceive (TTC) should come with a dictionary: There are so much to lean about the vocabulary in the world of TTC. And after a few months when you haven’t conceived using a bottle of wine and a date night, you will eventually Google things like “how to have a baby,” “why aren’t I pregnant yet?” and things along those lines. You will be instantly overwhelmed by letters. OPK, BFP, BFN, BD, DH, EOD, ED, AF and the dreaded TWW (more on that later). Don’t be afraid to ask questions and figure out the lingo. Soon you’ll be reading posts on message boards that will make sense, like “peed on a OPK, positive! BD tonight with DH!”

2. You will begin to live your life in two week increments. TWW stands for the “two week wait,” which is the time between ovulation and the beginning of your next period. AKA the time when you will begin to imagine and hope for every pregnancy symptom under the sun. You will spend too much time examining your underwear, and asking yourself if you’re tired or you’re TIREDBECAUSEIAMPREGNANT. This is where a spark of hope lives, even after many negative cycles.

3. You will likely develop an addiction to peeing on things. Yeah. All I can say about this one, is there are bulk pregnancy and ovulation predictors on the internet. Also the dollar store. Don’t knock dollar store pregnancy tests. And always try to get ones that produce pink lines (not blue).

4. At some point you will begin to learn that the infertility community has a twisted (and argued) hierarchy. There are people who will tell you that your pain isn’t as bad as their pain. There are people who say secondary infertility (inability to get pregnant for a second/third, etc child) is not as bad as primary infertility. There are people who will tell those who have miscarried (like us) “at least you can get pregnant!” There are people who have been trying for 2 years (like us) or 10 years. There are people who cannot afford treatment (like us) that are told they don’t want it enough, and people that are undergoing constant physical treatments that are told “why don’t you just stop and adopt?” And then there are the misfits- the people who experienced infertility but have babies now. Where do they fit in?

There are harrowing stories out there, but do not let any of them take away your own experience.  I have thought to myself on more than one occasion – “wow, I don’t have it so bad, she’s had 2 miscarriages and I’ve only had one” or “they’ve been trying for 3 years and we’ve only been trying for two.” It doesn’t do any good to downplay your own experience. We all have what we have. Being empathetic with people is a good thing, but don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Infertility sucks. No matter what stage you are at with it. In my opinion it does no good to divide ourselves.

5. You will begin to feel like you are rapidly cycling through the grief process every month. Denial (there’s probably nothing wrong with me! this is the month! yeehaw!) Anger (I don’t know why I bother peeing on these things, it doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t believe I wasted all my money on birth control for all those years. I’m never going to get pregnant. I should just buy 20 cats and call it a day.) Bargaining (hey, universe! If you give us a baby I swear that I will never let it leave my sight, I’ll be the best parent EVER! No TV! No candy! PUHHLEEASE?) Depression (Period is here again. This sucks. Pass the Ben &  Jerry’s). Acceptance (okay, I haven’t gotten here yet – well sometimes I think I have but clearly I really haven’t – I mean I just deleted my Facebook so I wouldn’t have to see pregnant people).

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and the theme is “Don’t Ignore.” I encourage you, whether you have experienced infertility or you have not – to spread the word. Don’t ignore us because it feels awkward, or you don’t know what to say. Don’t ignore us because you don’t understand it. You know us. Help take the shame away from infertility, and put awareness in its place. It is closer than you might think. It is your family member, you neighbor,  your teachers… it is us.

We are the faces of infertility. Don’t ignore us.

 __________________________

Resources for Infertility

Resolve – www.resolve.org

Two Week Wait – http://twoweekwait.com/

Male Infertility 101 – http://www.inviafertility.com/blog/uncategorized/drbrannigan/male-infertility-101

Stirrup Queens (Support and Information) – http://www.stirrup-queens.com/

 ***

Linking this post with Shell of Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out

(because my heart is all over this blog post)

I love so many things about my life.

Waking up. Stretching out my arms.

Getting up and having some breakfast.

The best part of the morning is the snuggles.

Wedged in between two of my favorite people.

Warm, content, happy.

Sometimes the quiet of the morning lulls me back to sleep.

My days could be anything.

Sometimes I go to work, sometimes I lay in bed all day.

Sometimes I go for long walks, sometimes I listen to people’s problems all day long.

But always, my days consist of savoring quiet moments with people I love.

Soaking up the time I get to have dance parties around the kitchen, stick my head out of the window to feel the breeze, give hugs and snuggles, and kiss away any sorrows that befall those I love.

Someday I will have to leave them, because even though it is insisted of me by those who love me, I cannot live forever.

So I give them all the love and kisses I have now. I drag my prized toys to them when they are sad. I greet them when they get home from a long day without me. I let them take incessant amounts of pictures of me. I make them laugh. I fill their lives with joy, because they are my favorite people on Earth.

I love so many things about my life.

 “I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. 

For me they are the role model for being alive.” ~Gilda Radner