The Cost of Moving Forward

Deciding what path to take when you’re in the midst of infertility is sort of like walking into a casino, and pouring $20,000 (or more) into one of four or five slot machines and hoping you picked the right one.

All of the choices are expensive.

All of the choices are a huge gamble.

All of the choices entail you and your partner being evaluated, questioned, and put under a microscope. Sometimes literally.

All of the choices can lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and loss.

All of the choices involve a leap of faith.

I am proud, terrified, ecstatic, nervous, and hopefully announcing that we are leaping.

When we get back from our cross country trip and find jobs, we will be pursuing domestic infant adoption.

Cross your fingers and hold on tight, because you know you are all coming along for the ride.

Source: google.com via Jenn on Pinterest

Posted in adoption, family, growing up | Tagged , | 16 Comments

Things I Don’t Understand

 

We are newly reunited with cable. And therefore newly reunited with “reality TV.” And therefore newly educated on the existence of “Snooki” and the fact that she is having a baby. And we still aren’t. Really universe? I mean, no offense “Snooki,” but REALLY UNIVERSE!?!?!

 

Source: via James on Pinterest

 

I’ve eaten here once. I won’t eat here again for newly discovered reasons. I do not understand why we continue to spend time, money, and resources in an attempt to keep rights away from people. We have soooooo many more important things we should be pouring resources into. Religion should not play into law. The end. Move on. SO MANY OTHER THINGS! Poverty! Hunger! Education! Debt! Pick a topic and move on.

 

 

 

Oh, North Carolina. You are so much like Vermonters and Mainers that complain about snow in the winter. YOU LIVE IN NORTH CAROLINA. IT’S HOT HERE IN AUGUST. STOP WHINING. Okay, everyone gets to whine a little – but seriously? Also? Sweet tea is gross. Eww.

 

I feel like this is just me (and I should probably duck as people throw things at me), but the Olympics? Haven’t watched any of it. ANY. Not even the opening ceremony. I’m much more a winter Olympics girl.

So that’s my list, any things bugging you lately that you just don’t understand?

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This Little Light of Mine

She is little.

Too little to know what she knows of the world.

The neglect of her parents. The failure of a system that is supposed to protect her.

Bruises that have healed from her skin, but remain in her heart.

She folds herself into a chair, pulling her knees close to her. Protection. Defense. Knobby-kneed line in the sand.

Her eyes are blank, refusing to give away any emotion.

I begin to draw on a blank piece of paper. Colorful swirls. Stick people.

She is watching me, but I do not meet her gaze.

I begin humming without even noticing.

She breaks her silence and it shatters like thin ice under a heavy footstep.

“What are you singing?”

I answer her, “a song called ‘This Little Light of Mine,’ I like to think everyone has light to share with the world.”

She is quiet for a moment, and then asks “do you think I have a light in me?”

I pause, and smile before I answer, “your light is so bright, I almost need sunglasses.”

She smiles quietly to herself and picks up a crayon.

We color and she hums along with me.

I am humbled by the moment – the moment where hope enters my office – as a small sliver of warm sunshine that chases away shadows and allows healing to begin.

***********

This post is part of a Hope relay! As we celebrate the Olympics, Melanie Crutchfield had the fabulous idea to pass the torch of “Hope” around the blogging community. The idea being that she has asked some fabulous folks to write about Hope, and then we ask some more fabulous folks to write about Hope and before you know it, Hope is spreading around the blogging community! Melanie is going to compile all of the posts she can at the end of the Olympics and host her own version of the closing ceremonies.

I invite any and all of you to write on the topic of Hope, but I am officially passing the baton of Hope to Kenya of Here’s the Thing, Jennifer of Another Jennifer, Molly Jo of Frankly My Dear… and Gina of Namaste By Day. I hope that you will all choose to write your own stories of hope, because I gather a lot of hope from you all.

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30

So no one told you life was gonna be this way….

your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A…

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear…

when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but…

I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.

I’ll be there for you – because you’re there for me too.

You’re still in bed at ten and work began at eight
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far things are going great
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these…
But she didn’t tell you when the world
Has brought you down to your knees that

I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.

I’ll be there for you – because you’re there for me too.

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me
Since you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, yeah

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week
Your month, or even your year

I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.

I’ll be there for you – because you’re there for me too.

Happy 30th birthday.

Thank you for the laughs, tears, hugs, smiles, tantrums, hallway sitting, bad hair cuts, photo shoots, montages, notes passed in class, movie days, lens changes, kidney transplant, walks, gym dates, thai food runs, self portraits, timed pictures, hot pockets and cold soda, dog-nappings, chicken chinese food, birthday parties, bad ideas, good ideas, graduations, heartbreaks, car rides, surprises, girls weekends, and love. Couldn’t imagine the last sixteen years without you.

Here’s to 30 years ago when the Earth was blessed with you, and here’s to at least 70 more (when we’re in the locked unit at “The Home!”)

______________

*Lyrics, “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts

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Ours

Not surprisingly, when we decided to move to North Carolina there were some people who thought we were crazy.

Mostly because we had no “reason” other than that we wanted to. Sure there are great bonuses to moving – it’s cheaper down here, warmer down here, did I mention cheaper? But really, we did leave perfectly good jobs, our home, our friends, and moved.

For no reason.

And then? We decided to take a couple of months off from working to do a cross country trip (starting in  month!!) and to enjoy our new home state. Without working. For three months. Oh boy, the judgment rolled in on this decision.

Was it the best ever financial decision? Of course not. We could have easily banked our house profit and 401k money and just went right into a new job. It probably would have even been smarter. But you know what? What other opportunity will we have in our life where we do not have the obligations of life and we CAN take off for a month and see the country? Uh, never.

So we’re taking the opportunity. We are living cheaply to save as much money as possible and we’re doing it. And unless I call you asking to pay my rent, it’s really none of anyone’s business but mine and Casey’s.

Isn’t it funny though how everyone has an opinion? A reason that we should or shouldn’t do different things?

I tire of it.

So much so that it makes me turn to Taylor Swift lyrics to express my frustration (I know, right?!)

“Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury’s out, but my choice is you

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours.”

On the other hand, I am more than thankful for the (majority) of friends and family who are cheering us on, and looking forward to vicariously living through our cross country trip. And to all the friends that made moving down here possible. And Stacey’s bad ass ability to help us replace 8 doors in order to sell our old house.

That’s what I choose to focus on 98% of the time, and for the others? I’m making them listen to Taylor Swift on repeat until they get it. Or run away screaming.

****

Linking up for Things I Can’t Say – Pour Your Heart Out and What’s the Word Wednesday!

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Letter to a Brand New Baby Girl

Dear New Baby Girl,

In the grand scheme of all things, I haven’t known your parents that long. Only a few years really. A couple of years ago, I watched them dance at their wedding to a song that soon became one of my favorites. It’s a song that is titled “You Are The Best Thing,” and to watching them dance together to it was a moment I love to remember. I suspect that day was the best thing to happen to them as individuals coming together.

Now, I suspect the best thing that has happened to them as a couple – is you.

Get used to getting advice from those who have come before you. I think it’s only human nature to want to pass on advice to the next generations. You won’t listen to most of it – because it’s also human nature to ignore advice and make your own mistakes. And in that process of making your own mistakes, you will learn everything you need to know. And everyone else gets to say “I told you so!” So it’s a win-win.

Instead of a long list of things I’d like to tell you about life, I’ll instead tell you a whole long list of things I wish for you.

I sort of wish “Chuck Norris” would be your first words. It’s sort of fitting, and once you get to know your Mom better, you’ll understand. Maybe audacious would be a good first word, too. I’ll let you choose.

I wish that you will always know how wanted you are, before you were even born! You turned my spit-fire, fabulous, crass, outspoken friend into a mother. And I’ve never seen her happier.

I wish for you to know that being a strong woman has nothing to do with the size of your clothing, or the size of your brain – it has to do with the size of your heart. The ability to stand up for what you believe in, and to stand up for others. The ability to believe in yourself for exactly who you are – instead of what the world believes you should be. You’re going to have a hand up in this arena – you will be surrounded by strong women. But, I’m not going to lie. It will be hard – and sometimes your belief in yourself will waver. Don’t be afraid to reach out and gain strength from those around you – let them be your mirror.

I wish for you, beautiful new-to-the-world baby girl, that your hard work and determination will bring any dream you have to fruition. And to those who may say you can’t do something? Tell them to get out of your way.

Because I can already tell – you’re a doer. A go-getter. A dreamer. With red hair and kick ass parents.

Welcome to the world, little one.

We’re lucky to have you.

 

Posted in beauty, joy | Tagged | 10 Comments

Just Like Us

 

Always changing, sometimes quickly and without warning.

Shifting into different shapes, depending on the conditions.

Moving in quickly and unpredictably when angry, causing others to take cover and hide.

Moving slowly and purposely when happy, causing others to stare in awe and lose themselves in their imaginations.

Sometimes completely absent from view, unformed – or hiding.

Stretched thin at sometimes, so thin that you can almost see through them.

Constantly in a state of change, flux, movement.

Clouds.

They are just like us.

Posted in joy, randomness | Tagged | 6 Comments

Tidbits

I’m having some trouble forming complete thoughts since moving, so you’re gonna get tidbit forms!

{Last week was a hot week! The locals say it isn’t usually this hot. We have nothing to compare it to, so we just enjoyed ourselves at the pool and the beach. But Barney? He was so hot he couldn’t even stand up long enough to eat. All in all, laying down with your face in a food dish doesn’t sound all that bad to me either.}

{Seriously y’all. This is the lake across the street from our apartment. Literally a two minute walk. There is a 4 mile walking path around it. We walk here every night, in awe of our new hometown beauty.}

{Mom came to visit, and we were so busy having fun that this is literally the only picture I took. Two buddies playing games on their iPods – probably with each other. But we also signed papers for our new house which will break ground on in August!}

{Oops, I lied. I forgot I took this picture at our first introduction to the Golden Corral. More importantly, our first introduction to THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. Can you believe I only dipped 3 things in it?! That’s self control people.}

{Oh, the tread-climber isn’t for holding my milk while I eat a fluffernutter and watch TV? Psssshhhttt.}

{One of the more exciting things that has happened? WE TRIED RITA’S. No, no. Well we did. But more importantly, it was Kenya of Here’s the thing… and her son that introduced us to Rita’s. Kenya is one of my very first blogging buddies, and we were SO excited to meet up in real life!! Can’t wait to see more of these fabulous folks. Go check out her blog, and she published a whole book of her son’s funny quotes. Well worth the investment.}

{Introducing the tentative layout for our cross country trip!!! We are planning to leave the first weekend in September. Watch out, US – here we come!!!!!!!}

{So that’s what we’ve been up to, what’s new with you?}

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Kid Quotes Friday


It might be the last for awhile, being that I no longer have a J-O-B.. but here are a few fun kid quotes for your boring Friday! And go ahead and link up, because I could use some laughs!

______________

Me: What is something that your new therapist should know about you?

Kid: Well, she should probably know about my moves.

Me: You mean when you moved in with your Grandma?

Kid: NO-OOOOO. My master major dance moves. I can really bust them.

______________

Kid: So, you are moving to North Korea?

Me: No, I’m moving to North Carolina.

Kid: That’s what I said.

______________

Me: What is the nicest thing you could say to your Mom right now?

Kid: Mom, you have awesome choices in kids.

______________

Me: Why do you think it’s so hard for you to pick your things up at home?

Kid: I dunno. But let me ask you this. Why is it so hard for Mom to stop telling me to pick my things up? It’s obviously not working.

______________

Happy Friday, everyone!

 

Posted in Kids quotes Friday | 4 Comments

Finding Home

 

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go


So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

(Lyrics – Green Day “Good Riddance”)

_______________________________________

Linked up with Molly Jo for “What’s the Word Wednesday”

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments