Failing

I’m not really into failing.

I’m more the type of person that will overextend to meet the goal rather than fail.

Don’t have enough money with one job? Get more jobs.

Don’t understand something? Hit the library (or the google).

Failing just is something I like to avoid, like most people.

So… my kidneys are not on board with this plan. Which, isn’t exactly new news. After all, it was 10 years ago that I learned that my kidneys were on the same track as my Mom and my Grandmother.

It’s just that now, they’re failing failing. Like a few percentage points away from being referred to a transplant team. Like 3 percentage points to be exact.

And when I type that, it feels like all the air leaves me. I’m really, really, really tired of dealing with malfunctioning kidneys.

But, some things in life you can’t avoid. And some things in life you have to do afraid, because the fear won’t leave.

This is one of them. It could still be some time before I fall below the magical 20% kidney function line, or it could be the next time I have my blood drawn. There’s very little to do, except be very stringent with my diet – which I’m doing. Even that only controls the symptoms of failure- including high potassium (had a scare with that – heart attack, no thank you).

So I have all of these words in my head, and the need to get back to documenting. Because, there’s always a chance this goes bad – bad bad. And I just have this need to write again. To share my thoughts, to be afraid. To be brave. To document the good, bad, and in between in this life.

To fail.

And hopefully to rise again.