I’ve worked with a lot of children in the past five years. I’ve worked with children who have been hurt, emotionally and physically by their biological parents.
I’ve written statements that in the end will support a court or child welfare agency’s decision to terminate parental rights.
Last night, as I sat in a family team meeting, a mother was asked to place her children with their father, because she was not following through with recommendations and the children were not safe with her.
And through screams and tears, she ultimately decided to allow this, without going back to court, which would have forced the decision anyway.
And, just like always, I had a knot in my stomach.
Watching the pain a mother goes through when she realizes she cannot care for her child. Sometimes I think there is a general belief that mother’s that place their child for foster care, adoption, or who have their children removed from their home are bad mothers that don’t love their children.
But aside from true sociopaths (which really isn’t common), I don’t believe I’ve ever met a mother who didn’t love their child. It’s just they don’t know how to be a mother. They weren’t taught. They might have been abused in their own life. They may have drug addictions. They are often in abusive relationships. They don’t have resources. Like many mothers, they get overwhelmed, but many of these mothers don’t know how to ask for help – until it’s too late and the decision is no longer theirs to make.
And so, they make the ultimate sacrifice. Sometimes it’s not their choice, sometimes it is. But it’s always a sacrifice.
I’m not saying the abusive behavior is okay because clearly it’s not, and I have been very angry with parents and made my own judgments about them – but I’m saying we have to be wary of generalizations, and realize that these women are human beings.
And as I sat in that office, with tears in my eyes, watching a mother choose ultimately what is best for her children over what she wanted, I was proud of her. I was moved by her decision.
And I realized that Casey and I will receive a child into our home someday, whose mother and father have made that decision.
A mother and father who have decided to put their child’s needs over their own.
The ultimate sacrifice.
To that mother and father, wherever they are, whenever we meet, please know we will come without judgment in our hearts, and only gratitude for the bravest decision you’ll ever make.
Beautiful… you brought tears to my eyes with this one.
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I ♥ this post. My cousin & his wife adopted a precious little boy. They did have the opportunity to meet the Mom & it was a teary moment for hear. However, she believe in her heart that placing her son in a loving home with things she could not provide. My cousin & his wife choose the option to keep in contact with the Mom through pics, and emails. This way if their son ever decides he want to meet the woman who gave him life he can. I know you & your husband will make terrific parents!
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I agree with you 100%. I’ve seen parents make some pretty bad choices. But I’ve yet to meet a parent – in 13yrs of social work – who didn’t love his or her child. It is a humbling thing to wittness, anyone putting the good of someone else over her own.
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Wow, you totally gave me goosebumps. Beautiful closing.
Thank you for sharing this. We have adopted 9 children, 7 of those from state care. This process you describe so beautifully is one we have watched 4 different times, and each time (though I fought and battled for my kids and to keep them) a part of me has grieved each time for their birthmother.
thanks so much for this. i had to share with my facebook page. your honesty and perspective really touched me and hit so many important points. 😉
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I agree with some mothers and fathers to give their children up for adoption when there is no way to financially care for them, but so often many mothers do give up their children out of spite to get back at the father because their relationship didn’t work out. Many families members such grandparents are distraught because they have helped raised those children when they were infants and toddlers. Grandparents never receive visitations after the child is adopted in certain states and it is very dishearting to lose a blood relative(sorta like slavery)which I dislike saying in that manner. It is good to know health history, ethic background to incorporate so that the children don’t receive a “culture shock” when growing up in certain communities. Respect is not always displayed by others in a positive manner. Well God bless those that make a child their own and I pray for those who have children in their home of other cultures to treat them equal as part of the family.
This is so beautifully said, Jenn. I love my work in the behavioral health field, but I’m not sure I could ever do direct work like you do. It takes so much courage just to walk through the door to get help. But, yes, sometimes it’s best for both mom and child to be separated. I’ve seen kids reunited with their moms and put in amazing adoptive families. You and Casey will make wonderful parents!
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