I picture it as a hooded figure.
Black and shadowy.
Lurking in the background.
Waiting for a moment of vulnerability. For a moment of weakness.
It does not come all at once.
It seeps in through a small leak in a concrete foundation.
Its grip is cold, and grows like a vine.
Once it grabs hold, it begins wrapping itself slowly around my stomach, my heart, my brain.
Squeezing until I gasp for breath.
Intruding thoughts begin to form.
Did I lock the door?
Did I turn off the oven?
Did someone break into the house?
What if there’s a car accident?
Do those sirens mean someone I love is hurt?
Why can’t I do anything right?
My heart beats faster. I feel sick to my stomach.
I try to shake the thoughts. I use all the tricks in my arsenal.
Thought-stopping, reality checking, cognitive triangles, singing loudly and badly, working out, checking in with Casey, my Mom, Stacey, someone who will answer the phone and make me laugh.
The hooded figure retreats, as a sliver of sunshine comes through the window.
I want to curl up in its warmth, like my dogs do on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
For awhile, the light will win.
Sometimes for months at a time. Sometimes for only a few minutes.
I can always feel the darkness, the shadowy figure of doubt.
Uncertainty, anxiety, fear.
It is waiting for its opportunity.
These words are my life preserver.
I unravel them, throw them out, and hope that they will be something to hold on to.
To keep my head above water.
To thwart the hooded figure.
To bring light to the darkness.
The irony doesn’t escape me, with the light and the dark.
That we wouldn’t be able to distinguish the light, if not for the dark.
The fact that one cannot exist without the other.
The overwhelming awareness that the light casts shadows.
Distorted images of darkness.
*******
Linked up for Yeah Write #53 & Just Write! Come check out some amazing writers!
That we wouldn’t be able to distinguish the light, if not for the dark – something so simple, yet profoundly true. It is the darkness that draws us closer to the light. Nice to meet you through Just Write.
Shelly Miller recently posted..Don’t Tell Me, Show Me
Nice to meet you, too!! Thanks for stopping by.
jenn recently posted..Online Phenomenon
Jenn this is pure beauty. You captured so much feeling with so few words and it’s so real. I hope the light stays around for some time for you.
Tricia recently posted..Nestled
Thanks Tricia! I really appreciate your feedback:)
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
Wonderfully written, and slightly haunting. May the light find you more often than the darkness.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Memories Captured – April Link Up!
Thank you Alison <3
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
This is stunning. Sending you wishes for more light than dark. Hoping you keep the darkness at bay.
Thanks Jenny! I appreciate the support 🙂 Truly.
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
Oh Jenn my sweet friend this is some truly amazing writing! May time sweep all the darkness away…
jen recently posted..how sweet it isn’t
Thanks, Jen!
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
Stopping in from Just Write. Well written and vivid writing. May the light surround you today!
Thank you Sarah! Great to meet you!
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
I fight anxiety as well, and that is exactly what it’s like. You captured it perfectly.
Me too
Loved reading this…
Herb of Grace recently posted..And then it was done!
Thank you!
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
This sounds so familiar. So, so familiar.
Here’s to more days of light than dark.
Ginger recently posted..Reads From Around the Web
Thanks Ginger – same to you <3
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
This imagery is powerful, and had me at the edge of my seat.
Julia recently posted..A Whole New World
Thank you.
jenn recently posted..Inspiration
Love you, chicabean! {{grug}}
I always think that someone I love is hurt whenever I hear sirens as well.
I hope you can find the light!
Youngman Brown recently posted..My Black Friday
Ugh, I know a little bit of that feeling. Not fun at all.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Things that Make Boyfriend Angry: a Dinner Adventure
I just read an essay on Facebook that pointed out there is no such thing as dark. There is only the absence of light. For some reason I found comfort in that… knowing that we just have to turn on, find the light.
Jamie recently posted..my first night
Powerful imagery. Beautiful. May you be able to skirt the shadows and bask in the sun. Ellen
This is a beautiful post, Jenn. Knowing darkness makes us long for the light. Hope you find light in everything you do.
jamieywrites recently posted..Affordable Ride With Hyundai
Fear is often the thing that keeps us alive.
Nice Post.
WG
WilyGuy recently posted..Steer Clear of the Viral Post!
Very well put. I felt it. Hope you have many days with less darkness.
Michelle Longo recently posted..Two Years.
Beautifully written. I think it’s a perfect description of how those thoughts sort of creep up on you. I know all about it. It’s a wonderful visualization.
Janice recently posted..Gotta Go–My Shows Are On
evocative and lovely. hoping the light stays with you more as time goes on.
Susan recently posted..Because it’s Monday, and I Can
“That we wouldn’t be able to distinguish the light, if not for the dark.” – – love this! I fight too. looking to the minutes that make up life helps, but does not cast out all dark, but maybe that’s the point. we wouldn’t know the good without the bad. great thoughts.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Dreams Born Under a Patchwork Sky
Amazing imagery…well done!
Donna B. McNicol [@donnabmcnicol] recently posted..Poison – A to Z Blog Hop
Very powerfully written. I fight that battle too and it’s a tough one. I hope you find more of the light.
Delilah recently posted..I’d Call Her Van Gogh but She Has 2 Ears
Funny … I am sitting in light because the dark sparked my anxiety. Sleep will come eventually, though anxiety has a grip on me now. Your post is very well written. You nailed it.
Lenore recently posted..Project 366: Day 109
You have a beautiful way with words. I felt your anxiety, your fear, your worry. Excellent post!
Abby recently posted..Weekend Warriors (An Illustrated Abby Gabs)
I’ve had that battle more times than I’d care to remember. Until I stopped fighting against the dark and focused more on embracing the light. Now that darkness just passes by every now and then to remind me how wonderful the light really is. I wish you best in your personal struggle. The light will come.
So much of this sounded familiar. Great job evoking powerful imagery!
Kristin recently posted..Glad I Saw It: Big Metal Birds
I agree with Shelly – it always helps to remember that saying “without the darkness how would we be able to distinguish the light?”
This was beautifully, beautifully written. Thank you.
Ado recently posted..Der Hummelflug
This was beautiful. I felt like you had pulled the words right out of my brain. Amazing.
I’ve been in an almost constant state of high anxiety for the last 2 weeks. I can’t shake it for whatever reason this time. This summed up everything I’ve been feeling perfectly.
Just Jane recently posted..The Intimacy and the Cost of Blogging: Part Deux