Before I met Casey, there was a time that I didn’t want biological children.
Let’s face it, I have a pretty crappy set of genes in some ways, and I became determined that I didn’t want to continue passing them down the line. I was certain that I would simply adopt at some point and that would be fine.
When Casey entered the picture, I let him know early on (so as not to have surprises later on) that I wanted to adopt children. I didn’t believe that I wanted biological children.
And then, a few months after we were married I had a pregnancy “scare”… I say “scare” because at the time, I was scared. It wasn’t in THE PLAN to have kids (biologically) or to have kids at all until we’d been married awhile. It turned out that it was a false positive or some such nonsense, as only one test was positive and the 25,000 others I took were negative. We were in the clear.
Except.
The day or so that I thought I was pregnant? I was scared, but also incredibly excited. Feelings were ignited in me that I didn’t know were possible. My fingers were on FIRE googling how to have a healthy pregnancy. Suddenly I was dreaming about what a baby that Casey and I made would look like. Would they have curly hair like me? Blue eyes like Casey? What adorable way could I tell my parents?
The same sort of feelings came about for Casey, and we started talking about trying. Casually. Like it would just sort of happen in its own time. A year after that we started talking about TRYING. Like charting and tracking and paying far more attention to my underwear than anyone should. I learned terms like TTC, BD, BFN, EOD, HPT, OPK – seriously it’s like another whole language. Thank goodness for communities of women who helped me through this- and Dr. Google, of course.
Months after that we miscarried. This is the month that I should have been having a baby.
We found out Casey has low sperm count and he ate more bananas and seeds than any human being should because it might help. Nothing. So a couple of years later, we are now in a process of grieving. We cannot afford further testings or treatment, because I no longer have insurance and Casey’s doesn’t cover it. We cannot afford private domestic adoption without going into deep, deep debt and being picked over with fine tooth comb by an adoption agency that I’m not sure would take us due to Casey’s stroke and my chronic health disease.
A decision that is easy to make, becomes so very hard to follow through on. Our options are limited. We keep hoping for a natural miracle, but my hope is dwindling. When we eventually move to NC and get settled, we will look into adopting through their welfare system. But the baby thing? May very well not be in the cards for us. I don’t know how to reconcile with that, but I am trying to every day. I am also trying to break the silence and shame around it, because it certainly exists.
Infertility is real. It is painful. It is part of our story, and our journey. It is likely part of the journey of someone you know. Be open to hearing the stories, be gentle, and be kind with your words and judgement- we never know what someone else is going through or what they are trying to let go of.
((((()))) I love you friend.
Jenn I don't think there is any substitution to fill that void, but I pray you find one. I am sure you have explored all the options, stay positive. Keep writing, people are listening. Reach out because someone needs to hear this and know they aren't the only one.
Hi. I am here from BlogHer and I ran across your link to this post.
My husband and I had 3 miscarriages in 5 years. After we got married and seriously started trying, nothing happened. We found out that he had low sperm and I wasn't ovulating every month.
We put it on the back burner, we were moving, changing our lives, etc and not even thinking about it when it happened. Give this worry, this burden to God and let it go. It will not be easy, it will hurt.
4 years later, every time I see my girl running to me calling me momma, I know that it was worth all of the pain and longing.
Praying for you!
I am so sorry that you have to go through this! It is not fair and so bizarre the way that it can just *happen* for some, but for some who truly yearn for it have such trouble.
I wish you the best of luck. I have seen success stories, and I hope yours is one of them!
I can't say this is something I understand, but my heart aches for you. I hope you can find some peace.
Sending you many hugs. I am so sorry for your loss and all you've been through.
I know exactly how you feel sadly..I was married and about 8 years ago we actively tried to conceive. I already knew I had polycystic ovaries and that it would be extremely hard for me to conceive..the bigger blow came when we found out my ex husband had issues too bringing what little hope we had crashing down…and then one month after all but giving up hope..I had a positive pregnancy test..I was shocked..and elated…3 weeks to the day after finding out I miscarried…in the last few years I was told I would never carry to term..and that I needed to make an alternative plan…Kyle and I have decided at some point we might adopt out of the foster care system but for a long time I was very very angry and kept trying to convince myself I didnt want kids anyways..I still do..its how I deal with the pain of losing the one thing ive always wanted to do with my life…
although I dont really understand why theres so much shame that comes with infertility, I myself have hidden it from most everyone I know…I don't talk about it and as far as my mom knows I just don't want children..while Im telling her this Im screaming inside "yes I do"
Thank you all so much for the love & support. You all made me cry multiple times today (in good ways).
Hi, I'm here from NaBloPoMo. I'm so sorry. Infertility sucks.
Yes, infertility sucks and a lot of people do not realize how many families face this difficulty. I haven't personally faced any losses of my own children, I have 3 siblings I can't wait to meet someday. My heart truly hurts for all the families that face this issue.
What a difficult post this must have been to write. Infertility is so unfair. We spent years trying and ultimately saved up to do one and only one cycle of IVF. I remember thinking I didn't know how in the world I would cope if it didn't work. It is so unfair that we live in a world where money keeps wonderful people from being able to have a baby of their own. I wish things were much different for you. I hope someday you get your natural miracle and if not, I hope you get that baby from the welfare system who would be so lucky to have you as parents.
I am so sad for you.
Thank you all so much for your love. Seriously.
New reader, found you through "Just Write"… I always follow those who follow me– circles are FUN! 🙂
On a more serious note, although we are now a family of (pinch me!) five!! we, too, have a history, a not-yet-distant-enough memory of infertility. I have PCOS. I will add you to my prayers and please know that I mean that. Once you've "been there" you always have a tender spot in your heart for others still on that road.
Oh, thank you so much for sharing this. I have not walked your road, but I do relate on some levels – being in my late 30s and having never married nor had children (though it has always been the cry of my heart to do both), I find myself realizing that I may have to let go of at least the second dream, if not both. I admire you for your courage and for sharing.
Stumbled on your blog yesterday and look forward to reading more.
Oh Jen…I am sorry that I am just reading this now =( Sorry to have asked at breakfast! My heart goes out to you and Casey. I fear this when Joshua and I decide to start trying!! I pray for a natural miracle for the two of you as well!! Another friend of mine was feeling hopeless and had the odds stacked against them as well….she had given up…and has just recently found out they are pregnant. I hope that in the future you get to tell this type of story too!! It was SO nice to see you Sunday sweetie!! Sorry for asking without thinking XOXOX ~Erica Staples
Hi Jen!
I just found your blog via the Comment Love Challenge…thanks for posting this. Miscarriage and infertility are definitely topics that are not not discussed enough and fraught with shame.
I experienced a miscarriage in my first pregnancy and it was devastating. Just this past week, though, my son celebrated his 2nd birthday.
My experience helps me to remember never to assume anything about anyone else's plans to have children, or to ask those terrible well-intentioned questions of other people.
You're in my thoughts,
xo Maeg