November is a month that is historically hard for me. My Grandfather died in November 19 years ago, my grandparent’s anniversary was in November, and I also spent a lot of time with them during November because it’s deer hunting season.
I don’t have a lot of clear memories surrounding the death of my Grandfather. I was 10, and there was a lot of hushed talking, unanswered questions, and I wasn’t allowed to see him in the hospital.
I don’t remember how I found out, but eventually I learned that my Grandfather was an alcoholic and he died from complications related to that.
My Grandmother didn’t like to talk about it, and didn’t want anyone to know because it was a “family” thing. It was a skeleton in our closet.
I don’t know my Grandfather as an alcoholic, because for most of my life he was not actively drinking. After the death of two of his children, I believe he started drinking again. The details for the most part, are unknown to me. I was a child at the time, and I didn’t need to know. I do know that his drinking affected my Mom, and I’m sure his whole family. Although she does not talk badly of him, I know there are reasons that she left her home 2.2 seconds after graduating high school and didn’t look back.
I believe that some issues were resolved when she was an adult, and I do know one of the reasons he quit drinking was because my Mom would not allow him to take my brother in his car because he had been drinking. He stopped by the time that I was born. But, I know there is a lot of hurt within the family that was never resolved because it wasn’t to be talked about or acknowledged as a problem. And then? My two uncles and both grandparents died without resolution. My Mom and her younger brother even now have different perspectives about what happened in their family.
I’m sure that all families have skeletons buried in their family closets. Things that aren’t talked about, that there is a common understanding of silence around. I hope, as we figure out how to have a family of our own, that when the time is right, we can be honest with our children. Encourage them to ask questions, and be able to have (honest, age appropritate) answers. Because kids understand way more than we give them credit for.
And my Grandfather? He was a flawed man (who isn’t?) But he was also a wonderful man. He had a contagious laugh, a mischievous grin, a sarcastic sense of humor, a kind heart, and he could make a mean pancake. I am lucky that I can remember him most this way, even though I now know what the hushed conversations were all about.
How about you, are there skeletons in your family closet?
Well, one thing that has always bothered me with my family is that my Nana had a third baby girl after my mom and my aunt were born. It was stillborn and this happened in the 50's. No one ever talks about it though. Its like it was just swept under the rug. But the baby was full term. Did it have a name? Was it buried? Was there a funeral? My mom and aunt dont seem to know because they were so little and dont remember. But Im always so tempted to ask my Nana about it, but it's like it never happened. And she doesnt seem want to talk about it. Emotional for her Im sure, but it's still hard for me to accept.
Wow, Sarah! That's so sad. I think it would be hard for me too, not knowing. It's amazing how many secrets were kept "back then," and how little was communicated. I like to think that we are more open (as a society) now. One of these posts I plan to blog about my experience with infertility, such a taboo topic, too. Gotta keep breaking the cycle of silence/shame. Thanks for the comment!
Oh yes, several skeletons. Some that I have talked to my children about, some that are still locked away. We do all have them, in some form or another. My grandmother died when I was 12 (I'm now 42) and we were very close. It wasn't until I was an adult and my mother, in fit of anger, burst out with "Your grandmother was a mean alcoholic". My aunt denies, so I don't really know. Doesn't matter, because that statement will never tarnish my very fondly remembered relationship with my nonnie. Thanks for a great post!
@alienbody, thanks for stopping by! It's amazing all the family dynamics that go on! I remain grateful for my memories and time with my grandmother as you do with your Nonnie.