The World is Heavy

Yesterday I had one of those days at work where I hated my job.

Not because of what my job is, but more because of what it can’t be.

I had to sit with a 7 and 10 year old as they were told that their Dad had to “go away” for awhile to rehab for being addicted to crack, and nearly killing himself two days ago from drug overdose.

I had to sit with a kid who drew a picture of shooting his Mom in the head, and try to figure out where this anger was coming from.

I had to sit with a kid who told me he believes his father does not love him.

And all I can do is sit with these kids.

I cannot make it better. I cannot make them unknow what they know.

I cannot take away their pain.

I cannot even going to tell them “it’s all going to be okay,” because in their world – it very well may never be okay.

And some days? The world seems so heavy, and it is so unfair that these kids..KIDS..are carrying around knowledge and pain that even most adults will never know.

And I hate it.

And although I know that it is important that I am there. That it is important that I do what I do… I hate it.

There is nothing a control freak fears more than being helpless.

And sometimes, sitting on the front lines, with these children – it is hard. And it gets to me.

Because I get to leave and live my life with people who I know love me, who make me laugh, and support me. Who tell me that I’m such a good person for doing what I do. And they? They go on to live what they know – fear, abuse, drugs, pain, loss – and it is forever altering who they will be.

And I really, really, really hate that.

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